If you ask me, first times are the most exciting times. You don't know what in the world you're going to face, but you prepare for it anyway. And you can never believe what anybody else says about the certain experience that they have had in the field of what we're facing for the first time, because everybody has got a different eye for things.

Perhaps I could describe my life as a vegetable soup with healthy and toxic veggies in it. I need to make the right choices in order to have the healthy veggies and try to not even consider the toxic ones. But even if I do take toxic veggies, under my own circumstances, I would not feel disappointed anyway, because it was my choice... and I could learn from that.

It's about time

I have been realizing the way that I have been too indulged in this life. You know when you come home from school and you feel so tired, and you just want to take all of your clothes off and you leave it on the floor, just lying there, as if they were your burdens and you're finally free from it; and the next morning you find them gone, either magically poofed into another gravity or taken away by munchkins who cannot afford clothes, but they're not there, gone. G-O-N-E, and then next thing you know they're already hung up in your wardrobe, ready to go through a day at school with you.

It's the life that I used to have, but I don't want that life anymore. I don't want people doing things for me, thinking things out for me, making me not do what I'm supposed to do. I want to be that responsible young woman who can make her own choices, who can do things by herself, who can help out and be an example towards others.

Soon enough I'll be graduating from high school, and I'll be on my own. To be honest, even right now I feel I'm on my own. Nobody there to back me up and do things for me. Even though sometimes it feels a bit hard, but I know it's all for the better. Who the hell am I going to rely on when (say,) I've got a meeting the next day and all my good blouses are un-laundried and they smell like fish and I need to look good for it? None other than myself. Who's going to care for that in the future?

Today, and everyday...

are full of lessons. Full of feelings, full of thoughts, and inevitably, full of people.

If I have to be honest to everybody out there, there are times in my life where my heart tells me that it does not want to encounter other people anymore. Mainly because in the past, it has felt a lot of disappointments, heart-breaks, and anger due to people.

I have just climbed a new branch of the tree and have been seeing things from an added perspective: that it's hard to trust people. It's because, a lot of them pretend; a lot of them lie. Even though I have given 40% (percentage based on estimation from heart and mind) of my trust on a few people, I still am not sure who to trust anymore. Sometimes, I don't even trust myself.

I have also concluded that everyone's selfish; at least, the people around me are. Is it really that hard to consider another individual in your choices?

But what would I be without other people? We are all in fact, social creatures; as much as we hate other people, we cannot live without them. I hate being lonely. But at the same time, I don't want to give my precious time to people who I can't even trust.

Uncertainty

In my life right now, there's only one thing that's certain: it's uncertainty.

"Life is a journey in which everyone are travelers" said an airway ad, and it's true. High school is an intersection which leads to many ends, and I am confused in which path shall I choose.

I often think about how things will work out for me. I make "perfect" scenarios of how I want things to be, I make up characters of the people that I want to meet. But somehow, I know that those scenarios and those characters will never come to me.

These days, I tend to get bored with school. I think about why in the world should I learn this to accomplish. Don't get me wrong, I love theories. I love science. But I just don't think that I'm learning them the way they should be in school.

When I'm getting down from the bricks that the school unloads (which will transform into nothing but grades later), I cheer myself up by saying that I'm not at school. "School" is just a cover-up word for a training facility for secret agents. The lessons, the homework, the exams, the worksheets... they are all just a simulation of bits and bobs of what I will do when I finally graduate into being a secret agent.

Agent SALT. I will be like her.

Well, I know it's just imagination. But it's fun to think like that, and it makes me savor the things that I do at school. Nothing feels worthless, because secret agents are required to be able to do anything: to calculate the possibilities, measure everything to its edges, etc.; and I think that's what covers up school at this period.

Okay, everything is uncertain. But then again, if everything is so certain right now, nothing would be so complicated and so confusing. It's kind of an enjoyment to feel complicated and confusing. The reason why it is, is because there are lots in store for me, and I just can't seem to pick one. That's the exciting thing to it, if I do a fling on this, and it doesn't fit me, all that I need to do is to cross it out of the list and try something else.

There's a perfect song for what I (and my peers) feel right now about uncertainty:

The lyrics exactly reflect what I feel, and it feels good to hear it. At least, I know that I'm not the only one who's facing the uncertainty of life in the eyes of a teenager.