Being pretty?

When I was in elementary school, boys are the most horrifying things to me. They are like alien, but not like the harmless E.T. To me, they look as if they have these laser eyes that have the power to incinerate me, so when they look at me, it was as if somebody were pointing their bullet to me. Sounds weird? It's the truth.

I remember crying before I went into my first grade classroom, all because I was scared of this one boy. He stared at me a lot (or maybe it was just me and my over-sensitiveness), and I don't want to see him do that to me again. I was not the smallest kid in my class over the years, but I tried to hide myself from him anyway. Today, I wonder why. It was my fears controlling me, maybe. I was considered a scaredy cat, even to my nanny. Either way, I am not coming back to the paradigms that I have back then.

Now I realize, boys are just a person like me. I can talk to them and mainly understand what they mean, but I get the feeling that I can't really get them; for now, tomorrow, or even forever. Not that because boys are the most complicated thing in the world (even as a girl, I think girls fit that term perfectly), but because... well, we're just different. We think different, we see things differently, and we eat our steak and other meals in different orders- well, maybe people in general are different... but still, some girls are still similar to the other, and some boys are also similar to the other; and I think that it's rare for a girl and a boy to be really similar in the things that I stated before.

Anyway, being a teenager is so weird. Weird and, awkward... in so many ways. But right now I will emphasize the part where boys are noticing girls more and girls are noticing boys more. Maybe it's me who's not over-noticing things about boys, or me who's being stared at; but don't you think that boys notice more things about girls than girls notice more about boys? I mean, don't you just feel them staring at you in too many places and then you feel all weird and lumpy?

Maybe this is what's been pushing girls to make themselves look "OK" in front of guys?

I may never know, but I can say that my hunch says so.

I do think about my looks lots of times, but I never sweat on it too much. I don't try too hard in terms of style, I just wear whatever it is I'm comfortable in. A lot of times, I seem like I'm the most uncaring when it comes to looks, but I still think about how I look in front of people. I do.

My mom thinks I'm pretty (obviously). But I don't know whether or not I should be happy when somebody else thinks that I am. Because a lot of times, pretty means that you're not able to do stuff well... you're not pro, you're not smart, you're not bright, you can't lead, and stuff like that. I feel sad when I think of that.

My dad and I once watched a science-themed TV show which covers a story about weather, and there was this one pretty scientist talking about the monsoon in India and how it happens. My dad kind of said that he only half-heartedly believes that she knows what she's talking about, only because she's pretty. I feel torn apart by the thought of it, because it was as if we girls cannot be pretty and smart at the same time.

So, does this mean that only males are aloud to be smart???? Maybe yes, maybe no. Will my dad think the same when he sees a good-looking man talking about something of relation? I don't know. But it tears my heart to think that, once again, they think that we can't be smart and pretty at the same time...

"So, when you're good-looking, you have to work twice- so that people will believe that you're not only good looking, but you're also capable." My dad said.

But, what I'm so concerned about right now is, I can't seem to prove that I'm capable. I'm terrible, I'm a stupido, I'm careless, I'm forgetful; it's hard. Do people really believe that I'm smart? What do they see in me? Am I just that pretty girl (maybe...?) or am I worth more to something?

I don't know.

All that I know is that the Chinese symbol in the color of black and white is true- how there is a bit of white in the black and a bit of black in the white, there are goods in the bad and bads in the good.